It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
