Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
