our cab driver is having phone sex.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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