So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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