hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
