my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
