I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
