if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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