sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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