i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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