Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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