there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
