Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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