my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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