Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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