i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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