god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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