Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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