perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
