I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
