Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
