I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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