It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
