Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
