I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
