Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
