1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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