so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
