Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
