the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
