I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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