I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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