If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
