im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
