Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
