Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
