My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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