I have demons in me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
