You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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