apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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