the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
