i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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