i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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