dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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