i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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