shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
