im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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