obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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