how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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