Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You pole danced in your parka.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
