I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
