We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
