I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
