Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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