then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize