Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize