Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
